SHOWTIME! I bounded up on stage like I had just won the lottery on a game show. 3500 pairs of eyes looking at me, but not 5'2" me----a blown-up 25 foot me, my every cowlick now magnified X 100. What could I do but cheat?
Three days later, in the Dayton airport, I watched Beyonce belt out an impressive version of our national anthem. I marveled at her voice and her impassioned virtuoso performance transformed me, for those moments, into a chest-swelling patriot. ("The rockets' red glare, and the flag was still there . .... The next day we find out she was not really singing. At the last minute, a pre-recorded version was played instead. Why did she cheat?
A few days earlier we watched a wolf-faced Lance Armstrong admit to Oprah that his stunning Tour de France performances, and all his vituperative protestations against the numerous doping charges were all “one big lie.” He confessed that he did it out of "ruthless desire to win."
"[I was] the guy who expected to get whatever he wanted and control every outcome," he said, with a touch of defiance still in his voice and body. (Should we forgive him? Not yet.)
I've had two weeks of Showtime! by now--which is why you haven't heard from me. I’ve been shuttling from Kodiak to California to Ohio to Victoria B.C. speaking along the way in living rooms, classrooms and a gorgeous university chapel nearly as big as a stadium. I cheated too. I had notes. Eight pages of them. (Unlike some speakers with supernatural memory and confidence!) And I had backup too---I had called in the Invisible Special Forces: the Holy Spirit. And had asked others to pray for me. Though I have spoken to many large audiences, I knew I needed help. “A gift of any kind is a considerable responsibility," wrote Flannery O'Connor. All of us reading this-----carry both. All of us here have been given gifts and abilities. O'Connor calls this endowment "a mystery." And something else: we don't deserve them. They come to us as something "gratuitous and wholly undeserved," O'Connor writes. And those gifts carry a weight of responsibility.
I don't really care that Beyonce lip-synced at the inaugeration, It may not even have been her decision. It was her voice, and her gift and she reminded us all why we love our country.
I care enormously that Armstrong cheated. I care enormously that he stole the Tour de France seven times. He mistook his gift. His gift was not winning---his gift was cycling. But he didn't know the difference.
Nor does he know that the gifts we are given are mostly for others---not for ourselves. That's what makes them "gifts." In the New Testament, Peter speaks directly to this, "God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another."
I "cheated" gladly that day and all the days I stand before audiences huge and tiny with notes inked on my hand, on my sleeve, anything I can get away with. I have to do it. I trust God but I don't trust myself. I want to say something true. I want to help others ask hard questions. I want to help others find faith and cling to it, as I am trying to do.
It's risky business, all of this, using our gifts. Once, I stood in a spotlight in a blackened auditorium in front of 1500 people and suddenly fell apart, melting into helpless sobs. (Speaking about a hard place in my life.) I almost did it again last week, reading an essay about a friend who had taken her own life. I don't like to melt into snot and tears while on stage----but I'll take it. It's part of the risk of using our gifts.
We don't have to win. We just have to try. And we have to ask for help. It's not cheating to ask for help-----it's not for us, after all.
This is how we carry our gifts. They are heavy sometimes, a responsibility that feels too much for us, but in giving them away, we are lightened with joy,
and we bring light and joy to others.
Forgive me Leslie, but I can't agree with you in your statement that using notes to give a talk constituted a form of cheating any more than using a microphone did so that all could hear you, even in the back row. You did not go up there and state "I will now give this talk extemporaneously" and proceed to employ a hidden teleprompter. The notes were a tool that allowed you to better communicate with your audience. You conducted no deception.
ReplyDeleteHowever, Beyonce did. She participated the illusion of singing the national anthem, live, at that moment. I really don't care that the motivation may have had the best of intent. If she wanted to be "honest" about it, she should have sat there mute while they played the recording or she could have actually sung it and risked a less than "perfect" performance.
Lance Armstrong represents a whole different level. In addition to habitual lying, he actively engaged in in systematic cheating requiring a kind of premeditation and practice that included intimidation and character assignation. Not only did he harm the sport, he hurt people.
I know you're not to infer that seeking the strength of the Holy Spirit somehow constitutes an unfair advantage as being 'backup." After all, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." And if you understand that you have been called to share this gift, then it will be done with God's blessing, even if it means melting down in front of people. Often, what God desires most to show through us comes when we are at our weakest and most vulnerable. I say that out of having heard you give a talk where there was not a dry eye in the audience or on stage.
So keep the notes if you need or want them. There is no dishonesty there. Keep your focus on saying what you know you should and the rest is up to God. But I doubt I'm saying anything you don't already know.
Bob---thanks for all these thoughts. You've penetrated the interstices of my post! It's always hard to get in everything I want to say ... But, thanks for the encouragement to keep the notes. At readings, of course, I'm allowed!! But I am trying to be more free from my notes. It's a struggle between the writer--who wants to say the exact perfect words---and the speaker who wants to be more spontaneous and free to move about. I imagine they'll be wrestling it out for some time to come! Either way, trying to stay focused on the point of it all: to serve others. Thank you for doing that today with all of your good thoughts! Gratefully, Leslie
DeleteToday I gave a presentation on Alutiiq culture out at the Coast Guard base in the old Billiken theater - only 200 or so people but I was terrified! 1500 people without notes would be crazy. So no I do not think you were cheating. My opinion is that Beyonce told a 'white lie' while Armstrong told 'black' lies - he denied his lies hurt people. Patrick
ReplyDeletePatrick---thanks for your thoughts. A word of explanation. I've been speaking for a lot of years now, but the bar has raised. Many speak w/o notes---so I sometimes feel intimidated by those super-people and feel I should do the same. But the writer in me won't quite allow it. I'm so tied to the "perfect words", it's hard to let go. So--wrestling with all that . .. Totally agree that Beyonce's deception was white and Armstrong's black. Still makes me angry . . . I'll bet your talk was fantastic! You always have fascinating information to share!!
DeleteWhat Bob said.
ReplyDeleteDon't you love it when someone provides beautiful coattails to ride upon? Yes, good words from Bob. Thanks for reading Laura! ANd prayers for you and your father today.
DeleteI should have proofed my post a bit closer. It should have been "She participated in the illusion..." and "character assassination" not "assignation" and "I know your not trying to infer..." Oops. Even my cheating with the spell check was insufficient.
ReplyDeleteI agree with those who posted saying there is a difference between using notes, even written on your hands, and cheating. But I don't care, the end of this is brilliant. The third from the last paragraph about breaking down (and, yes, the brave use of the word snot) is beautiful and true. Thanks for those good words.
ReplyDeleteByron, out of all your reading you take time to read here? Thank you. Grateful that the words God uses to keep me on track are helpful for others too . .. And you---you know all about serving!! You do it constantly.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry too much about having a public melt-down as you read (and feel) the words you have written. I recall it happening many times as a student in your various classes--too me and others. Some of those classes occasionally felt more group therapy.
ReplyDeleteWinn---I remember those classes as well. When we write real stuff from our real lives, it can't help but touch us to the quick. I miss those semester-long communities that were formed. (Now my teaching is traveling hit-and-run teaching. Not as satisfying.) I know you are keeping it real, too, in your radio life!! Blessings friend! Leslie
DeleteThere's nothing wrong with being an introvert!! Introverts express themselves better in writing (and lecture "notes") whereas extroverts express themselves better speaking extemporaneously--they often don't know what they think till they say it while introverts don't know what they think till they write it. I struggle with the same issue as you when preaching, but I've about concluded that I am who God made me and I'll embrace it rather than fight it. Carol
ReplyDeleteCarol, yes, I'm a bit of both as well. The writer in me wants every word to be the exact one--and the speaker wants spontaneity and drama. So---I flail between the two. And you're right. At some point you say, this is it. This is who I am. (But I always want to do better . ...)
DeleteLeslie, thank you for putting into words what it feels like to be transparent. It can sometimes be painful to be vulnerable and let God light shine through our cracked vessel.
ReplyDeleteSarah! Somehow my reply written a few days ago didn't get posted here! But yes, you're welcome. That's all we've got---cracked earthenware. But it's what God wants anyway. How He still fills with water is a mystery---but its real. I hope water spills over in your life today, Sarah!
DeleteAs always, your writing gives me food for thought. Your ability to do so is one of many reasons I enjoy your writing so much. I am so so so sorry I missed you in Ohio--so close and yet so far. Between the schedule at work and the chemo, I could not bridge the gap. I hope there will be other opportunities.
ReplyDeleteApril---so sorry to have missed you! I understand about schedules .... I am certain I'll be back in the Ohio area. I have some dear friends there. We'll get to try again, I am sure. In the meantime, we'll keep up our visits here! Blessings, April
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